I have a lot of personal motives; I'm human. I've never been a particularly selfish person; at least I haven't thought so. But at this time in my life I may be at my most selfish. I actually think I'm writing this blog for selfish reasons (especially since no one is reading it). Anyways, it's just another one of the many things I'm working on.
This past weekend I headed up to Louisville to attend Sojourn Community Church. And my motives for that one were dual. I love to learn from that church and worship with the people there. And I had also not seen my friends in that church for a long time. In yesterday's note I mentioned that the first of the ten commandments is to have no other gods before God. And that got me thinking... In the new testament (Matthew 22:34-40 or Mark 12:28-34) Jesus is asked about the foremost commandment. The foremost commandment, he says, is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind". If I'm loving God in that way, with everything, I can't be putting anything before Him. But Jesus goes on to say, "The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole law and the prophets."
After church I went to eat with my friends and as I was leaving a man asked me if I could trade him $3 for $3 in loose change. I made the trade. And I talked to this man. I talked to him because talking to homeless people is what I do. But I didn't want to. Nobody hung around to talk to him with me. I think we have all learned that you don't get anywhere when you talk to the homeless because they don't appear to listen. And we're results oriented/easily discouraged. I walked with him a little ways, found out about his life and his hurts. I asked about his reasons for being homeless; I asked him if he had substance addictions. I tried my hardest to be a good person; but my heart wasn't in it. I didn't love this man and I didn't show him love. The whole time I talked to him I was looking over my shoulder, wanting to rejoin my friends so I could say good night. I was even wanting them to see me speaking to him...wow. And I know I came off as phony. I represented God's love to this man without a care for him or his salvation. I prayed for his injuries, prayed for provision. And then I walked away having only offered him 15 minutes, $3 and a prayer.
I don't mean to be a downer; at least not totally. I'll have to write a blog on God's grace in the future. That will be a good one (or two, or three, or all of them). I forgive myself, but I want to learn from my mis-actions. I'm not trying to beat myself up, only to have an improved perspective. I'm not commanded to pretend to love others. I'm commanded to love others. Good deeds done for selfish reasons aren't good deeds. They give the wrong impression. Christ loves people. The Lord desires for this world to change. The Lord desires for all people to know Him and be fulfilled in Him. All creation groans in anticipation of a day when the world is free of sin, of pain, of sorrow.
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